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and so does this pilot episode

I'm about to spend way too much time telling you what's wrong with this movie.

and so does having too many logos

and none of them familiar

and so does aping the shining

aerial shot of trees ain't nothing new

and so does this boring music

those drums should be ramping up the music not distracting from it

and so does deforestation

Not buying Nicolas Cage as a lumberjack in #Mandy, and we get our first tinted scene already.

and so do silhouettes

you know what happens when you don't tell us anything about the characters AND we cannot see them because your lighting sucks? Nothing. #mandy minute 5

and so do chapter titles

we don't know your characters yet, we certainly don't need the story to start breaking into pieces. #mandy minute 6

and so do knock knock jokes

it's 1983 for some reason and these 'characters' exist for some reason. #mandy minute 7

and so does poor lighting

but maybe mandy keeps the lights off because she doesn't want to see how filthy her lumberjack is. #mandy minute 8

and so does nicolas cage

mandy is a grown ass woman who just found out that planets exist. nicolas cage is an actor who needs to be more discerning. #mandy minute 9

and so does galactus not being in this movie

seriously, we need him to put these people out of our misery. #mandy minute 10

and so does the titular character

in minute 11, #mandy blends in with the background and then stares at the camera. oh, and there's fire.

and so did 10-year-old me

in this masterpiece of an episode for #mandy minute 12, i explore panos cosmatos' pubescent attraction to shelley duvall, some of my own childhood writing, and what yo...

and so do unmotivated walks in the woods

when you can't tell if a character is dreaming, there ought to be a point to it. when you don't know a character's motivation or even her name, there probably can't be.

and so do bad dreams we don't get to see

seriously, when there is no distinction between reality and dreams, and anything surreal seems entirely accidental, and your characters don't even have names yet... ...

and so does this stupid starling story (part 1)

#mandy minute 15, in which our unnamed heroine starts to tell her unnamed roommate a story, boringly

and so does this stupid starling story (part 2)

of course this story was going to be violent; you could tell by the lack of excitement in her voice. #mandy minute 16

and so does this stupid starling story (part 3)

and it takes the cheap way out, but it's not like we're seeing it in flashback anyway, so who cares? and, there's no way she hasn't told andy this story before; they d...

and so does this fake fantasy novel's flowery prose

filmmakers, don't include text on screen that we would be better off not reading. or characters we would be better off not knowing. or plots we would be better off not...

and so do amorphous blobs of smoky redness

turns out, reading the crappy fantasy novel prop text with a little inflection--unlike Mandy--doesn't help; it still sucks. #Mandy minute 19

and so do inappropriately overwrought musical cues

walking on a road and a van approaches IS NOT the most dramatic thing ever. it just isn't. #Mandy minute 20

and so does introducing seven new characters without names and poorly lit

in a poorly lit van in a oddly tinted fog, there will be people you don't know, and they will be doing nothing, and you will be bored, in #mandy minute 21

and so do these two new lead characters

but, hey, at least after the stupid freeze frame, we have left "mandy" and "andy" behind. good riddance! #mandy minute 22

and so does lazy camerawork

the 180 degree rule and consistent blocking just down matter when you're introducing the worst character ever. #mandy minute 23

and so does cheap villainy

what one might suspect is the brilliant introduction of the absolute worst guy ever, i suspect is just bad writing, over-the-top acting, and passive direction. #mandy ...

and so does this movie causing me actual physical pain

the sexual tension between fishmouth and swine is palpable, and a little green. #mandy minute 25

and so does this sexual tension

seriously, swiney todd and fishmouth need to stop insulting cherup and just make out; the film would be much better that way. #mandy minute 26

and so does trying to read blurry prop text live

seriously, filmmakers, if you bother to produce a fake fantasy novel just to showcase it in your film, get a shot of it in focus. some jackass might want to read it on...

and so does 'mandy''s customer service

ain't nothing going on in this minute but white-haired lady prying and 'mandy' being rude. #mandy minute 28

and so do wide shots in the dark

but we don't need to know who's talking in the scene, right? we just want to get to swiney todd walking slowly from somewhere to... somewhere else. #mandy minute 29

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